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What if Spam Suddenly Stopped?
CHICAGO - Like millions of Americans, Jeff Devanshie arrived at work this morning to a shocking scene on his computer: no spam.
At first he tapped the monitor a few times to see if it was malfunctioning, Jeff explained. "I'm sipping my coffee, getting ready to wade through all the crazy spam I get, but all I see is a memo from my boss and an overdue bill from my cellphone company -- how boring."
Internet users across the nation celebrated as the revolutionary Anti-Spam Bill was signed into law, but now many don't know what to do with their new-found freetime.
The law allows the military to shut down access to all computers found sending spam. Many had no idea it would be so effective, and now are experiencing a radical change in their worklife.
"I used to dread the annoying Nigerian bank scams and promises that Viagra would restore my defunct personal life, but now I have to choose between doing more work or getting to know my colleagues," Jeff stated.
"This morning, for the first time," Jeff continued, "I got stuck at the office water cooler talking to Amanda about her lame excuse for a life. So now instead of reading up on the latest meds hitting the market, I learn that Amanda's right arm is longer than her left arm," Jeff sighs. "I'm already starting to wonder if maybe just a little bit of spam should be allowed."
Even company executives are starting to question the new measure. "I thought this would be the best thing to hit to our productivity level since the fax machine," said Dwight Humangia, CEO of a data processing company on Michigan Avenue.
Now Dwight is starting to wonder: "At least the spam kept them at their computers. Today I saw the employees talking to each other, socializing. Most of it seemed like harmless small talk, but a couple times there was this laughing noise ... call me crazy, I think they were talking about me. This never happened when everyone's head was buried in their screens."
Another executive echoed a feeling of loss of control: "Most my employees get about 10 spam an hour," said Ron Catwalk, who owns a plastics design firm on State Street. "It seemed like such a waste, but at least it kept them in their seat deleting the stuff. Now people are wandering around the office chit-chatting, and unlike email I can't monitor everything they're saying. It's driving me nuts."
Former spammer Burt Bolzonik said the new law is hurting the economy. "I have lost all my clients. What's wrong with a little spam? The phone has telemarketers, mailmen carry junkmail, TV has commercials, this is discrimination. Email marketers are now an oppressed minority. Blocking my computer is a hate-crime," Burt exclaimed.
"Yesterday, I proclaimed to the world the joys of soft-tab Cialas and designer replica watches, today my girlfriend dumped me for the cashier over at Big Burger, everything is turned upside down," Burt concluded, before showing a bystander his suitcase full of fake Rolex watches.
Local police are reporting a spike in panhandlers hitting the streets, many of them former spammers hawking everything from sugar pills marked like prescription drugs to photos of alluring Russian women in search of American suitors. "How else are we supposed to move the merchandise?" asks one former spammer who wished to remain anonymous.
"Get a freakin' job," interjected an onlooker.
The spammer then turned to the onlooker as if he recognized him and replied: "Hey wait, you're that guy who's PayPal account is in default. If you fill out this simple form we can get your account back in good standing."
"You don't work for PayPal, " the onlooker replied and tore up the form.
"You see what I mean," the spammer said. "I'd have to approach a thousand people before I found one to fill out the form. In the good old days, I could send out a million fake emails pretending I was PayPal, then kick back and wait for the good stuff to start flowing in. This is a catastrophe for struggling entrepreneurs like myself."
Rodney Finkerbeen echoed that sentiment. He was just laid off from his job as a Word Re-arranger for email marketers. "I used to change the spelling on words, like Viagra would become V1agra. This helped the emails get through people's spam-filter," he said.
Shares of Microsoft also dropped today as investors worried that less spam could mean less email viruses, which would translate into less need for the constant upgrades and software suites necessary to protect people from the malicious email that used to flow freely.
"I don't think anyone wants to admit they like spam," said Bill Gates, "but have we truly explored all the repercussions of this new so-called law?"
Gates, who used to receive 500,000 spam per day at his Microsoft address, said if the negative reports about the new law keep up, he will consider deploying "MS Windows with Spam," a new operating system that can mimic the sending of spam to users so that they could "get back to their normal lives."
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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