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What if men could give birth?
NEW YORK - Scientists everywhere are baffled by the recent phenomenon causing men to develop wombs with the ability to bring babies into the world.
"Throughout the ages, men were not conditioned for this role," said psychologist Dr. William Blandstand. "Women have always had a higher threshold for pain as well as the emotional strength to cope with the difficulties of childbirth."
Mother of six Elaine McNarlow said she thinks there's some poetic justice to the new scheme of things.
"It's as if some woman found a genie in a bottle somewhere, then made one big wish ... probably some gal with a husband who had no sympathy for the trials of childbirth," said McNarlow.
Though many women see this role reversal as justice for womankind, there are some negative repercussions.
For the first time in recent history, the population stopped increasing. "Let's face it, men are wusses when it comes to this type of thing. Most men won't even go near a hospital unless they are in severe pain or suffered some sort of catastrophic accident," McNarlow said.
Another radical change relates to the birthing process, explained Dr. Blandstand. "In the old days, women would go into the hospital, in labor and fully alert, then push and push in agony until the baby arrived in the doctor's hands. A lot of pain, a lot of blood. With men in control, those days are over."
Almost all births are now done before labor begins via c-section, with the men placed in a deep sleep. The cost is much higher but it saves the men from enduring an experience that's completely new in their evolution.
McNarlow said that "Most men can't even dream of the pain involved with birth." And apparently dreaming is all most men do during delivery.
"Also gone are the days of men behaving sexually reckless," said Dr. Blandstand.
"Men now realize there's much more than pleasure that comes with copulation. If a pregnancy occurs, they're going to need all the help they can get from the women in their lives. It's resulted in a surprising maturation process for many men. Guys who were considered 'players' are now commitment-minded and serious in their relationships."
Statistics back this claim as marriage rates are rising throughout the land, as divorce rates plummet.
Condom sales have also skyrocketed beyond manufacturers' ability to keep up with them. "There simply isn't enough rubber out there to cope with the demand," said Dr. Blandstand.
Sexually transmitted diseases are also declining rapidly as men are now compelled to act more responsibly. "It's a dream come true for the medical community and social workers who have been trying to get men to take more responsibility for their actions for decades."
Another change: chiropractors are cashing in as pregnant men cope with the extra stomach weight that leads to back pain. "Women have dealt with this for millions of years. Instead of just accepting this as a fact of life, men are lining up at the local chiropractor's office demanding relief from the hefty 'bundle of joy' in their wombs."
McNarlow said that after giving birth to six children, she does feel sympathy for men, but she believes they can handle it. "Men have congratulated themselves for years for building civilizations, going into the wild to slay animals for food, and generally 'wearing the pants' in the family. Well, lets just say now they're going to need a spare set of wide-bodied pants."
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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