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What if postmodern thought ruled the land?
BOSTON - As postmodern thinking assumes its role as our national identity, we at the Boston Daily Truth are announcing this will be our last issue.
After 127 years of bringing you our version of the news, we've decided to call it quits. What's the point in going on? Everything's already been said.
There is nothing new under the sun. Vanity of vanities, all is vanity. Those words, by the way, are from an old book called Ecclesiastes, which like our newspaper, has lost all significance under the weight of postmodern thought.
Postmodernism informs us that there is no universal truth, no right and wrong, just meaningless accidents that stumbled into life as we know it.
We will stop pretending we know the important news of the day. The most important news is about you. If you still want to read important news, write your own paper, damnit, because we aren't going to do it for you. After all, "important news" is a subjective term.
Subscribers: please note we will still publish blank pages bundled and delivered for people who still find a practical use for the newspaper. After all, they provide excellent lining for pet cages and cheap stuffing for postal packages.
We editors realize, like the rest of America, that we are but a composition of cosmic dust born to eventually return to dust.
No more features on Millie's garden parties.
No more investigative pieces about political corruption.
No more reporting on all the world's evils. After all, evil is relative. One person's "bad" is another person's "good."
OK, we admit that crime, corruption and lawlessness are spiralling out of control as people have decided that "nothing matters," and the least we can do is go along with that sentiment and not report any of it.
However, we have decided to conduct one final interview. We randomly selected Western High Cafeteria cook Marla McNarlow, someone we'd never interview in the past unless she was accused of some major mishap.
She was mopping the floor of the high school's cafeteria during this, our final interview.
"People are saying all beliefs are in ruins, I say hogwash, " McNarlow stated. "Or better yet, Twinkie."
When asked to elaborate, she opened a shrink-wrapped Twinkie and took a bite.
"Basically, postmodernism is like a Twinkie," she said. "And Judaism is like an apple, Christianity is like an orange, you get the drift."
We asked McNarlow if she was implying that postmodernism is just another belief, rather that the end of all beliefs.
"Absolutely," she said. "To believe there is no absolute truth is still a belief. We must believe in something, it's our natural inclination. Just like we all need to eat. We can choose to live off Twinkies, or apples and oranges."
At that point we started to wonder about the long-term effects of living off nothing but Twinkies.
We considered doing an investigative piece to see if people who ate only Twinkies suffered any ill effects compared to those who lived off apples and oranges. However, such a study already assumes one may be better than the other, so we dropped the idea.
McNarlow finished the Twinkie. "Just because we may enjoy a Twinkie, that doesn't mean we can't enjoy our apples and oranges, now does it."
"And what kind of belief would that be?" we asked.
"That would be post-post-modernism, or common sense," she answered.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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