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What if pets talked politics?
LIVERDALE: Residents of this small Midwestern town are in the spotlight today after reports that pets there developed the ability to speak.
"The whole notion seemed ridiculous," said Ronald Goldpath, a black Terrier formerly known as Sox. "The idea that humans would always be the only verbal species..."
Sox then proceeded to chase his tail for a moment before regaining his composure: "Sorry, bad habit."
Liverdale Mayor Ray Endervol said the incidents of speaking animals are not isolated, and appear to be spreading.
The mayor claimed he has no idea what caused this. "We recently upgraded our water system, that's about it," the mayor said, shrugging his shoulders.
Local veterinarian Don Spooner said it's commonplace for pets to communicate with humans, and it follows logically they would eventually develop speech.
Spooner, interviewed at his clinic on Vine Avenue, said the talking pets first made him question his sanity.
"It's a bit shocking when Bootsy the spotted Shih Tzu starts talking politics, or Whiskers the Bengal cat starts complaining about the bland food you sell his master," he said.
"Excuse me," interjected Whiskers from on top of the vet's counter. "My name is now Earl Stronglion. And this 'master' word is silly, reducing the relationship to systematic slavery."
"Get off your high horse," barked back Sox, tugging at the leash his owner held. "That's the problem with you cats, there would be no medical and dental coverage without humans, not to mention the constant supply of food. Wake up," the dog snarled.
"If you think you'll be able to stay blissfully ignorant with humans serving your every need, you're mistaken," the cat retorted.
"This language ability raises our level in the food chain," he continued. "We may elevate beyond the humans, teach them. Lord knows they could use it. After all, humans have been able to speak for thousands of years, but they remain dysfunctional as a whole. Look what they do to each other. Humanity's capacity to be cruel far exceeds any animal."
"So that's all you're about, superiority, gaining the upper hand on the humans who have treated us so well," said the dog.
"We have no choice, eventually the humans will see us as a threat, instead of their quiet lovable pets. Have you asked your master how he likes your new speaking ability?" asks Whiskers.
Sox looks up to his owner who replies, "Actually Sox, oh ... I mean Ronald ... it has been a little embarrassing with you understanding everything."
"What do you mean? Oh, like this morning when you were singing Britney Spears in the shower?" laughs Sox.
The owner tugs at the dog's leash authoritatively.
"I'm sure that's not the only embarrassing thing he knows about you," said Whiskers. "And there lies our power, we already have the dirt on our owners, the last thing they'd want is for us to tell all."
"I hear there's already a group of dogs lobbying their owners to help them get the right to vote, if the owners refuse, their most embarrassing secrets will be revealed," laughed Whiskers.
The group of dogs, who call themselves "K-9 Union Local 1," recently caused a commotion at the monthly Liverdale Township board meeting, demanding access to the Downing Street Park.
The union believes that prohibiting dogs in the park is discrimination. "It's the best park in town and we're not allowed. If I want to go play Frisbee catch, my owner has to drive me clear across town. For all you environmentalists, that's a lot of extra smog," one union member stated.
The union leader, a golden retriever, said his group is drafting a bill of rights and lobbying their owners to help them gain the right to vote.
Board President Arlan Gavelhand seemed annoyed by the dogs' presence, calling it a disruption at best. "This meeting is for residents, not their pets."
Unfortunately his comments only rallied the dogs, who started chanting: "Power to the dogs, power to the dogs."
The meeting then abruptly ended when one union member "staked out his territory" on the front podium.
"Yeah they can talk, but they're still just dogs and cats," said Gavelhand, concluding: "It's really sad, I've got pets at home. But ever since they started talking, we're not on speaking terms anymore. All these new issues keep coming up. I wish they'd just shut up and be lovably dumb again."
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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