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What if environmentalists went all the way?
SEATTLE - The environmental action group, Earth-Run-Amok, claimed a major victory today when Congress passed the Restore-Earth-Now bill - requiring all human activity to take a backseat to the environment.
"Planet Earth did great for billions of years, except for a few ice ages. But once humanity came along with our factories, cars and hairspray, things went haywire," said Earth-Run-Amok chairman Leo Ratherfeld.
"Further analysis suggests that even pre-modern human activity was bad for earth. Destroying forests for homes and fuel, killing off wildlife for food," said Ratherfeld.
Earth-Run-Amok first proposed migrating humanity to the moon, "for the sake of Mother Earth." But the expense and red tape involved brought them to their next solution: "Ending human population growth," said Ratherfeld.
"We realize we can't deport all the humans to the moon yet, so we decided de-population is the answer."
The strategy involves neutering male humans, meaning the current generation of humans will be Earth's last.
"Right off the bat it will mean a lot less diapers, which means a lot less factory smog from producing the stay-dry-linings," said Ratherfeld.
When asked what was the point of saving Earth if humanity went extinct, Ratherfeld scowled and opened his wallet displaying photos usually reserved for family pictures: "Behold the beauty of the spotted owl, how dare you question his right to life."
Other photos in Ratherfeld's wallet included the Orca whale that starred in the hit movie Free Willy, and penguins from the animated movie Happy Feet.
Earth-Run-Amok's other initiatives include requiring one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit, as suggested recently by rocker Cheryl Crow.
"Toilet paper machines will detect when a human sits down, and only dispense one square of precious paper product per sitting. Of course, if the de-population is successful, there will be -- if you'll pardon the expression -- a lot less asses to wipe anyway."
Zoos will also be outlawed if the bill becomes law. "Keeping animals in unnatural captivity for human amusement is cruel. Humans should be the ones in the zoos anyway, our bazaar behavior far exceeds any animal."
The controversial bill does have its detractors, including radio talk show host Ruben Stowbeki. "Are we serious that we are going to bring the human race to the brink of extinction so animals and the environment don't have to be bothered by us? This bill would destroy our economy, end social order as we know it and bring humanity to an abrupt end. There's no way this ridiculous bill will be passed into law. Congress is just bowing to the latest political fad without examining the long-term consequences."
Ratherfeld disagrees. "It's a question of morality. It is immoral for one species to disrupt the livelihood of every other species. The Christians are always going on about Christ who made a big sacrifice, now it's our turn to sacrifice our needs so nature may live."
Stowbeki laughed out loud in response: "I don't think Christ died on the cross to save the spotted owl. On the same token, I don't think Buddha reached enlightenment to save the fig tree under which he meditated. I don't think Moses freed his people so they could save the rainforests."
Ratherfeld cited the biblical story of Noah as reflecting his group's efforts. "Noah took the time to save every species of animal, then got on his boat and said 'to hell' with the rest of humanity. We are in similar times, and just like Noah's ship, there's no vacancy for additional humans and their selfish ways."
Another controversial aspect of the bill includes reducing emissions from cars by 90 percent within 5 years, mainly by requiring only bicycle and foot traffic within cities, and setting 20 mph speed limits for all gas-powered vehicles.
"This is another ridiculous aim. Do the enviro-wackos realize that emissions from cattle are more damaging to the environment than all the cars, planes and trains combined? This is fact. Yet I don't see anything in this bill about limiting the bowel movements of cows."
Stowbeki did agree that pollution is a problem, but disagrees that it's the sole cause of climate change. "The only constant we know about climate is that it changes. If it weren't for global warming, we'd still be in the ice age."
Stowbeki then quoted from a Love and Rockets song, No New Tale to Tell: "You cannot go against nature, because when you do: Go against nature, it's part of nature too."
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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