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What if computers had I.Q.s?
SAN JOSE, CA - Andrew Beckenhammer finished his morning office work at the insurance agency, to devote the rest of the morning to playing the online version of Dungeons and Dragons.
Safe within his cubicle and the boss on vacation, Beckenhammer prepared to battle a giant red dragon, when suddenly his computer froze.
After hitting the escape key trying to force the computer to reboot, an alarming error message appeared on his screen. "Good morning Andrew, unfortunately the game service you are attempting to access is not compatible with your job description. Access denied."
"What the ...?" said Andrew as he read and re-read the message. He finally unplugged the computer and tried again, only to see the "Access denied" message appear whenever he tried to login to the game.
"I asked my co-worked what the heck was going on," Beckenhammer explained later, "and the same thing was happening to him when he tried to access a sports betting website. We knew something fishy was going on but had no idea the extent of it."
What Beckenhammer and his co-worker were experiencing was the new line of Digital I.Q. Processors, capable of making judgments about how computers can be used, and denying access for unauthorized use.
"It's a miracle," said Beckenhammers boss, Lawrence Deanworther, after returning from vacation. "People actually got some work done while I was gone," he said.
Deanworther admitted some of his employees seemed a bit disgruntled by the new software, but said that's fine as long as they're not playing games on company time. "They can slay dragons at home."
The I.Q. Control Processors are also now deployed in newer automobiles, much to the chagrin of drivers who used to enjoy speeding and other traffic infractions.
One driver, who wanted to be referred to as "Bill," said he's going to trade in his new vehicle for an older "pre-I.Q." model. "If I go 5 or 10 miles over the speed limit, the I.Q. device slows the power flow to the engine, then barks out 'Access denied.' I can't think of anything more annoying."
The car version of the I.Q. Control Processors prevent drivers from rolling through stop signs, tailgating, and forcibly pulls cars to the side of the road when the sirens of an emergency vehicle are approaching.
Bill said after a recent night at the tavern, his car told him he had too much to drink and had better go have a coffee and sit tight for an hour before returning to the car.
"The thing can see road signs, smell alcohol, and stop the crime before it happens. It's going to make a lot of policemen bored, and what about the lost revenue from tickets?" pointed out Bill.
Alex Wirehanger, one of the developers of the I.Q. Control Processors, said the uses for such systems are endless. "Everywhere there's a computer in use, it's often in miss-use. Our goal is to ensure computers do what they were programmed to do, nothing less, nothing more."
"It hit rock bottom yesterday," said Bill. "I spotted this gorgeous super-model-type strolling along the road, so I roll down my window to give her my trademark 'wassup baby,' but the window rolls itself back up, and the computer reminds me I'm married, then says that terrible phrase: "Access denied."
Many new gadgets are also carrying the Digital I.Q. Processors. Newer flashlights can detect when a child is holding them and and automatically shut off after one minute, leaving many a crying child but saving parents a fortune in batteries.
Cell phones, often controversial in how and when they're used, are now turning themselves off when the processor determines it's an inappropriate time.
Cindy McNarlow said she was driving to school recently and grabbed her new phone to make a quick call to a friend. "As soon my friend answers and we start talking about her new shoes, the phone's alarm goes off and says, "Idle chat detected while driving. Access denied."
Overweight people are getting a rude awakening as some new refrigerators carry the I.Q. Control Processors. Linda Macallbee was shocked to find herself locked away from her own food.
"All I wanted was a little midnight snack, and I get this condescending robot voice telling me it's not an appropriate time to eat. Access denied, in my own home. I was devastated," she said, though conceding she's actually lost a few pounds, "by force," since purchasing her new refrigerator.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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