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What if we didn't compete with the Jones's?
MILL VALLEY - When Beverly Greensleer saw her neighbor Eileen place a "Proud Honor Roll Parent" bumper sticker on her car, she wanted to boast about her own children's successes.
"I was about to tell her my oldest son made captain of the baseball team, then something came over me ... Suddenly I was happy for her, it was weird."
Not only did Beverly refrain from bragging, she actually revealed an embarrassing morsel about her 7-year-old son Little Earl. "He still wears diapers," she confessed to Eileen. Eileen seemed confused at first, then confided that her son "eats his boogers."
"Instead of bragging about accomplishments, we started trying to out-fail each other. I told her I was borderline diabetes, she tells me she's undiagnosed A.D.D. I tell her my husband's got new beer handles, she replies that her husband is a closet alcoholic. It was very, very weird."
In a trend spreading through white-picket-fence America, known to Hollywood elites as fly-over country, neighbors are no longer trying to be better than one another.
"It's a new form of boasting, to prove you're more humble and over-burdened than the next guy," said Greensleer's husband Earl.
"Last year I bought a ride-on mower the size of a Monster Truck just to make up for our neighbor's new three-car garage. This year I sold it, bought a push mower and a distressed station wagon to put on blocks out front. It makes a statement," he said.
"That's been a drawback of this new 'fad,' if you will," said Dr. Stuart Hocklebosh, a sociologist at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. "Traditionally American's like to compete with each other, ensuring society continues evolving as we all try to out-do each other. With this new trend, some affluent neighborhoods are starting to resemble slums," Hocklebosh said.
This was perhaps no more evident than in the elite northwest neighborhood of Garloreo Heights where owners of the subdivision's largest mansion parked a weather-beaten double-wide trailer on their sprawling estate, then moved in.
"We wanted to see how the other half lived," said homeowner Demetrius Donallshore. "And to be honest, the simple life is more satisfying. I think that is what's keeping this fad alive. Now our neighbors are curious," he laughs. "Poor schmucks, clueless in their 20-room mansion."
However, several days later Donallshore's neighbors parked a worn-out single-wide trailer on their estate, complete with polyester curtains and glow-in-the-dark reindeer on the roof.
Days later, Donallshore placed a "Clean Fill-Dirt Wanted" sign in his yard. Then his neighbor put a "Will work for Food" sign in his yard -- both admitted the signs were "for effect" only.
Other unexpected consequences of this new fad have hit retail markets. Small cars and large old-fashioned cell-phones with metal antennas are replacing the trend toward large SUV's and tiny cell-phones.
As gracious living replaces gratuitous living, Hocklebosh said one benefit is people harmonize better when not competing. But he hopes society does not go too far. "If this continues, neighbors will be living in famine-like conditions in an attempt to win this new form of anti-competition."
Double-wide occupant Donallshore said he sees no end in sight. "I'm enjoying my new alternative lifestyle."
Donallshore then proceeded to pitch a tent in front of his double-wide to "under achieve" his neighbor's new single-wide. "May the best man lose," he said as he unzipped his new front door.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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