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What if the Catholic Church modernized?
VATICAN CITY - The Catholic Church announced sweeping changes to affect its one billion members worldwide today, in its most dramatic modernization since Vatican II.
One big change for churches is corporate sponsorship, similar to many schools and stadiums across America that added corporate names to their identity.
Kraft Foods was one of the first companies to sponsor a church. Sacred Heart Church in Tampa, Florida, will now be known as the Kraft Cheez Whiz Sacred Heart Church.
"Not only will this build revenue, but we hope the Kraft branding will make the Church more attractive for young people who enjoy processed cheese food-stuff," said Cardinal Edwin Blinkenham. The Cheez Whiz slogan, "Cheesy and darn proud of it," will appear below the mass schedule.
Other future church renamings include the Notre Dame de Paris Hilton in France and Our Lady of Fatima XBox Church in San Francisco.
Even Monks are getting in on the corporate action. The Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia will soon be the McNugget Monastery of the Holy Spirit. A colorful, smiling statue of Ronald McDonald will soon compliment the monastery's other statues and icons.
"New sainthoods are also on tap," said Blinkenham. "The Vatican is looking into Mahatma Gandhi and Sammy Davis Junior as possible candidates. You know, to mix it up. The Vatican is also considering living people for sainthood. This was done after a flurry of popular demand to canonize Oprah Winfrey."
Relaxing its strong anti-contraception stance is another big move. "We're tired of the whining, plus people are going to do whatever they want anyway."
When asked if the Church is caving into contemporary society to avoid controversy and boost membership, the Cardinal said, "Basically, yes. We're sick of all the blow-back over our strict doctrine."
New uses for church donations are also on the way. The Catholic Church is the largest charitable organization in the world, feeding more poor than any other source worldwide.
"The new idea is that the congregation should get a little something special too, afterall it's their money," said Blinkenham. "So the Vatican is advising churches to host more parties on holy days. Let the people dance, mingle, you know, get 'jiggy with it' as the kids say."
In an effort to save money, communion wine will be replaced with donated grape juice. "All new Smuckers Grape Juice to be exact," said Blinkenham. They're shipping us communion cups that will resemble their cute little jelly jars. 'With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good,'" he said with a wink. To top it off, Wonderbread stepped up to make the communion wafers.
Toning down the "fire and brimstone" rhetoric of sermons is another alteration. "The scary stuff, like Hell, the Devil... The boo-gotcha-in-eternal-damnation stuff... It gives people the heebie-jeebies. Sermons will now be in 'open-mic' format, meaning anyone can get up and speak. The priest will then follow-up as moderator of a town-hall like meeting among the congregation."
Church usher Dan Aldernom isn't impressed with the new changes. "I converted to Catholicism to get away from all this modern bull. The Catholic Church stood like a rock against the crashing waves of political correctness. Now that rock is tumbling into the sea."
And for the first time, priests will also be allowed to marry. "Sure it will mean we'll have to increase pay if they start a family," said Blinkenham. "And they may not be able to spend quite as much time at the church, but we've stopped nagging people to go to church every week anyway. We're just encouraging people to mention the church as their inspiration when purchasing items from our corporate sponsors."
Speaking of priests, the Church is opening the door wider for who can be considered for ordination into priesthood, Blinkenham said. "Women, gays, house-husbands, you name it. They just have to pass a simple background check and be a good people-person."
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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