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What if humans existed on other planets?
PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colo. - Rumors became fact today when a joint American-Russian task force confirmed they are in contact with an intelligent being from another planet.
Even more startling: the alien resembles the average human.
The "extraterrestrial human" is currently undergoing questioning at an undisclosed secure location in the Alaskan mountains where he first appeared.
Intelligence Officer Chip McRamnee for the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) said the alien appears to be a near replica of the average human.
McRamnee answered questions from reporters inside a briefing room at the base.
"First thank you for being here on this historic day. I've been in close contact with the subject in question. He actually refers to himself as human-alien," said McRamnee.
"So he speaks English?" interrupted a reporter.
"If I may continue please. In the dictionary, human as an adjective means to be characteristic of a human being, and he's definitely that. But he's also from another planet, an alien."
"As for the English speaking. He says he studied English on his home planet in childhood. But he wasn't a good student, so later in life he purchased a computer chip containing the English language, it was implanted in his brain's memory banks."
"He said English is a favorite interplanetary language because our satellite TV is also popular out there, but not for reasons we may like. He said viewing our barbaric ways is escapism for higher intelligences."
"How did this supposed 'human alien' get here?" asked another reporter.
"It's interesting," McRamnee smiled. "He's got a hand-held transporter device, small round little critter the size of an iPod. He dials in some coordinates, and boom, he beams away."
"Beams away, like on Star Trek?" laughed the reporter.
"Actually, he claims some Star Trek episodes are surprisingly accurate. In fact, many on his home planet suspect a visiting alien could've tipped off the show's writers."
"Are you saying these human-aliens could have been here for awhile?"
"He's claiming that, but he says he's the first to disclose his status."
"Why?"
"He's seeking asylum here, from his home planet. Apparently to escape credit card debt."
Many laugh in disbelief.
"He said if we draft a resolution declaring his citizenship on Earth, he'd be free of his high-interest debts back home."
"Is there no bankruptcy court on his planet?"
"Actually there is. But he said if he goes that route, he'd never be able to afford another hover-house, as they call them, or live the life he's used to. Apparently it's an expensive planet."
"Hover-houses and transporters, sounds like fun," said one reporter.
"Far from it. His planet is not as stable as ours. Hurricanes, major earthquakes, tsunamis and other natural disasters occur constantly on his planet."
"How'd they survive to become so advanced?"
"We asked him that. He said his people are in constant struggle with nature, a common adversary, so they don't have time to fight each other."
"Like in war," McRamnee continued. "If two opponents encounter a greater threat, they often join together to defeat the common foe. Natural disasters oppressed their planet for so long, they don't even carry the DNA prone to conflict and aggression."
"So there's no war on his planet?"
"Apparently not. All their tech goes to survival. They invented the transporter to escape natural disasters in an instant. Hover-houses are immune to earthquakes."
"The computer-chips carrying language helped citizens evacuating dying continents. The evacuees already knew the language of their new destinations."
Another journalist steps forward with a serious gaze. "Is this human alien going to share any of his technology? If some hostile country possessed this transporter device, they could beam an assassin into the Oval Office, or any leader's office."
"Rest assured, proper security measures are in place," McRamnee said with a wink.
Just then another Intelligence Officer rushed up to the podium. "Excuse me sir," he said leaning into the microphone. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but the alien was kidnapped."
The crowd starts roaring with excitement. McRamnee tries to shush them as he turns on the overhead television monitor where a TV news anchor covers the breaking news.
"An anonymous but reliable source in the Alaskan mountains is confirming a gunfight broke out between Russian and American intelligence officers. It's not clear how the scuffle started but the Russians escaped with the alien," the news anchor said.
"I thought you said 'rest assured!'" cried out one journalist to McRamnee.
Suddenly everyone turns back to the television screen as the alien materializes out of thin air behind the news anchor.
The news anchor jumps from his seat and rushes off the set.
"Citizens of Earth," the alien says, "I came here seeking sanctuary from my storm-torn and very expensive planet. But I was naive to believe my arrival would be met peacefully."
The alien starts to press some buttons on his hand-held device.
"My planet's people fight daily to survive harsh conditions. Beneath your relatively calm skies, you fight each other."
The alien presses a few more buttons on his transporter. "I'd rather face bankruptcy..."
"Farewell people of Earth."
He gets ready to press the final button...
"Coming up next on this channel is your weather report... Tranquil skies over most the planet, with a chance of war."
He vanishes.
Standard What-If disclaimer: The preceding is pure fiction.
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